May 11, 2008

Reflections on Mother's Day

I know I have only been a mom for 4 years but I'm starting to feel like I understand the idea behind Mother's Day. When I was little it was a day to buy mom cards and flowers or something nice that she wanted and not to fight with my sister. I never appreciated what a mom is. I used to think it meant a day off for me, a day where I don't have to cook and clean and change diapers and clothes. It meant a day where I didn't have to play or entertain anybody, a day where I didn't have to kiss away tears and end disagreements. I didn't have to watch every move and step in and rescue my child from danger. I would turn myself off; it was dad's turn to step in and do the dirty work so to speak. How wrong I was...

I've realized that I can't turn myself off for a day, nor do I want to. Being a mother is a big part of who I am. I have learned so much about myself from my kids and I like to think that I am a better person, wife, mom, artist and all the things that I am because I have been privileged with having them to take care of and hopefully raise into good, honest, loving people. I think they have taught me patience and tolerance, although both are pushed to the limit almost on a daily basis. They have taught me to slow down and literally smell the roses, to enjoy all things about the world. Watching them learn is like getting to rediscover so many things that I take for granted. Sometimes I find myself just watching them play, terrorize each other, eat, sleep, laugh and cry and my heart gets so full of emotion at how beautiful and pure they are. I try to preserve everything they say and do that represents their innocence. I also think that I am selfish for needing them so much, for needing them to validate who I am in some ways, and for never wanting to go out and do my own thing. I know that is not fair to them or me. I know too that I expect too much of them sometimes and I get caught up in the adult world far too much. It is so true that they grow so fast.

Mother's Day for me is not about a day off anymore, because I know now that will never happen. It is a day to enjoy each aspect of childcare to the fullest, to really appreciate what I have right under my nose. I can take care of myself in little ways every other day. Just this morning actually, on my day to sleep in, my 6 am riser Bradley slept until after 8:30. Do you think I got one wink of sleep past 6? Nope. I was too busy worrying why he was still sleeping. Was he ok, is he sick, did he bang his head in his sleep and get a concussion? I know it's ridiculous. I wanted to wake him up and Jim just slept away saying how great it was that Brad was still sleeping. Oh, if I could only be more like him!! Dads are the perfect balance to moms. They are the remedies for a mom's insanity. Jim is my balance. He helps me to be a better mother when I am not doing so great, and it is a constant learning experience. He is eternally patient and supportive of most of my weird little rules.

So on this Mother's Day, I don't need any gifts, jewelry or flowers (it's in writing Jim). I just want to enjoy and appreciate my family. I also want to say thank you to my mom. I didn't always appreciate or understand your ways in raising us. Today, I have a greater understanding of what you sacrificed and went through for us to grow into "normal" productive members of society. I'm glad you were so "mean"! I couldn't be a good mother today without all of your help and guidance growing up.

Here are some pictures of my Mother's Day gifts, one from Rhi and one from myself. Bought a bike and trailer last week to assist in my quest to get in shape. I think I look pretty ridiculous towing the kids and the dog, but it seems to be working...